Okay. New Year high is over. Now comes the hard part. Hurtling back down to earth at breakneck speeds, riding a hangover heavier than a bag of wet cement, before ultimately crashing trough the shards of shattered new year resolutions. The best part is that in between bouts of depression and skull-splitting migraine you have to consider tidying. The best part about any party. Trying to appease the two kaijus having a dance off inside your cranium. While wrestling with what looks likes to have been a drunken romp through a confetti factory back in order. You will learn important things about yourself and human nature in general. Bare in mind that we do not condone any of these practices, and are in fact well adjusted folk who melt at the sight of kittens. Having to clean with a hangover does things to you, guys.
1. Slavery seems like a good idea
Let’s face it. Slavery has been a huge part of human society throughout its development. It took us about 19 centuries to uniformly agree that it is just an awful thing to do and we should stop it, but we got there. However, at this very moment you are still half drunkenly stumbling through your home, disposing of debris, cursing all that is vibrant and trying to thwart your stomach’s evacuation plans you can totally understand the appeal. It’s true that you can always just call us and we’ll perform a one off cleaning professionally and quietly. I myself have actually used the services of my colleagues after a rip-snorter of a rager. But that costs money that you could be using for all the aspirin in existence. While on the topic of horrible practices humans abandoned long ago, but you are now considering as viable. Do you know what goes hand in hand with slavery? That’s right. Human sacrifices to the blood god Kharmkhropulh, The Corpulent Indulgence!
2. Child Sacrifice isn’t so bad
After a few hours of intensive strain you’ve almost managed to stagger to each and every plastic cup, bagging it with gratuitous groaning. You’ve even sort of managed to avoid dropping by the toilet bowl for a cuddle session every twenty minutes. At this point the headache kaijus have abandoned their dance contest and unlocked their final forms to resolve their differences in a screaming contest. All the aspirin in the world won’t put a dent in your suffering, and you can’t show your nose outside of the house to go to the pharmacy. A small human child starts to seem like an infinitesimal price to pay when compared to the vast expanse of your agony. You’re pretty sure the silver cake knife you inherited from your grandmom can pass as a sacrificial dagger. But first you must somehow sweep and mop the floor, then clean the house. Kharmkhropulh really does care about sanitation standards and will never manifest in habitats that don’t at least partially abide to Health Act 1911.
3. Your friends suck
Honestly, why did you even invite them? You could’ve had a nightcap or two and gone to bed as soon as the fireworks stopped. Instead you woke up in the wheelbarrow, wearing your shirt as pants and no recollection when everybody went home or even who was here. But worry not! You slowly and begrudgingly will piece the story back together as you reluctantly drag yourself behind the mop. There’s the planter with the violets Garry puked in. Oh yeah, and Nancy broke your favourite vase. Your neighbours are staring at you with locked eyebrows so that means Steve was here, and you’re 392% sure he went into fence-hopping nudist mode again. Getting your memories back feels like a gross and ultimately pointless investigation, because noone wants these types of memories back. The deduction from all this is simple. Your mates have no idea what a “party foul” is, and you need new friends.
4. All of Humanity sucks too
Come to think of it. You’re not certain getting a new entourage is worth it. After all people are just a bunch of stupid inconsiderate bald primates that paint your cat green when they have a few too many drinks. Your point is strongly supported by the construction crew outside that is currently synchronizing their jackhammer and asphalt mixer to the all encompassing roar of the aforementioned Godzilla sized battle between your ears. Playing some music on full blast will surely help dampen them, right? Think again. The second you turn on the radio and the newest awful insipid cover of an otherwise classic and for the most part okay song starts blaring, you’re completely sure if you were in possession of nuclear launch codes the planet would be bathing in fallout and the sweet screams of the innocent, faster than you could read the entirety of this needlessly long and splitting headache inducing sentence. The broom hits the floor. You welcome the embrace of the couch as you dive face first.
5. The World was designed for pain and should cease
Because everything is ultimately pointless and existence is suffering. The universe is looking down at you as you lay there. A vast crushing void of blackness and futility which you would love to flip the double bird, but are afraid to look at the ceiling in case your vertigo makes you sprint right back into your toilet bowls loving embrace. Your headache is now synonymous to the rhythm of your life and you slowly sink into the sweet oblivion of sleep, wishing something good would come out of this day and you’d at least get to dream about something nice like a mass extinction event or Steve getting his particulars stuck in a fence mid-flight and faceplanting into a dumpster fire. You make a vow to yourself to never drink again and promptly forget it 4 seconds later when your snores scare the kaijus into signing a peace treaty and make the construction crew outside think someone dropped a hammer in the cement mixer by mistake.
Obligatory feel-good kitten gif: