Everyone’s a pro nowadays. People want to feel important by telling you how to do stuff. We should know. We write articles telling you how to do your cleaning. However, that’s not enough for us. So, let’s make fun of some stupid advice we’ve heard from people on how to clean your carpets. Their anonymity will be kept intact for the sake of their self-esteem and the integrity of our office windows.
1. “Hang it from a tree branch and beat the dust out of it.”
You can do that. If you wanted to have a lung full of dust mites and other gross stuff, and if the vacuum cleaner wasn’t invented. Putting on a re-breather and marching out with a carpet and a baseball bat, then spending the next half hour mercilessly beating it actually sounds like a fine stress relief method. However it will make your neighbours think you’re even weirder than they originally thought, and it won’t make your rug any cleaner.
2. “Use ethanol on it to kill germs.”
Okay, yeah, this makes a lick of sense at first glance at least. But do you know what alcohol is also good at? Discolouring the holy ghost out of textile fibres and making your living room smell like a dive bar for at least two days. Ethanol evaporates quickly but not when it soaks into a rug. The best way to sanitise your carpet remains to call someone to do a hot water extraction on it.
3. “Sprinkle washing powder over it and rub it off.”
First off. Washing powder requires water to work. Second. The washing machine has multiple cycles for a reason. This type of detergent needs to be properly washed away because it can actually leave stains. Also, the rigorous rubbing can damage some of the more exquisite carpets out there like the oriental ones. There are separate products for laundry and carpets for a reason.
4. “Use dish soap on it.”
Did your mom drink while she was pregnant with you, hypothetical-person-who’s-based-on-a-real-person-offering-this-advice? So you want to clean something made of fabric with a chemical made for cleaning hard materials like porcelain. Yes, that makes sense. We recommend doing that only if one wants to spend the following two weeks of their lives trying to get all the foam out of the carpet and praise to all that it is divine that it won’t leave stains when they are done. Check this out.
5. “Use vinegar and baking soda for stains.”
Listen here, science fair. I know baking soda and vinegar looks like high flying chemistry to some people, but it’s really only good for impressing 5-year-olds with papier mache volcanoes. It will do nothing for the carpet, besides leave it stinking of vinegar and regret. Keep it in your salad or vindaloo.
6. “Get in the river with it and brush until it’s clean.”
You know this is the only one that actually works. The problem here is more in the logistics of it than the actual results. Yes, brushing your bathroom rug while submerged in running water will get most of the grunge out of it. However what person in their right mind will spare a whole day from their weekend to drive to the nearest wild river only to clean their damn carpet? If that sounds like a fun way to spend a day at the river, you are crazier about cleaning than we are.