It’s that scary time of the year again when you have to go buy Christmas presents for your friends and family. If only because they are dirt cheap on Black Friday. Good for us we don’t have any friends. Including among the clnrs. Dave and Mike are currently pelting each other with scorpions in the common room. So as unagreeable weirdos shunned by the flock we gain the unique opportunity to observe from the sidelines, hopefully gathering enough data to one day mimic authentic human interaction. But until then
1. Have a Plan
You may think we are exaggerating for the sake of pulling a few giggles. That is true to some extent, but what is completely true is this counter that keeps track of human misery caused by Black Friday. We are laughing, but only because if we weren’t, we’d be eating cyanide by the crestfallen handful. So, yes. You absolutely need to plan your shopping ahead. Research in advance and mark the shops you want to visit. It will be of great help if you also find a map of the shopping centre and learn it by heart if you haven’t already been there. It will be much much harder to get your bearings with the discount-crazy hordes of stampeding humanoids around.
2. Keep Criminals In Mind
There are some people that join the madness with any intent to shop, unless it’s a five-finger discount. It’s the perfect situation for pickpockets and opportunistic pilferers. Keep your wallet close and never get more than you can carry. Better yet have a designated card you will pay for everything with and take just that. Also if your list is extensive enough to require several trips from the shops to the car and back, your best bet is to find a well lit spot to park at. Also use your trunk as intended, and store all your purchases in it. Nothing gets a crook salivating like a car stuffed with potentially expensive items.
3. Keep An Eye Out For Beasts
There is a certain group that is potentially worse than criminals, and we’d say the safest bet is to adopt a bit of our paranoia and consider everyone to be in it. These are the people who have abandoned their humanity in the pursuit of the perfect(in their own mind) prey – Discounts. This mindset is what leads to fatal tramplings and injuries. Also our desire to commit suicide for the purpose of being reborn as a member of a different species. These people are more often oblivious to everything else that isn’t them or discounted items than aggressive. Sort of like hippos. They look like fat, lumbering, somewhat adorable pillocks, but they will mess you up worse than an american presidential election if you enter their territory. You should be mindful of this phenomenon if you are uninterested in being shoved, elbowed and/or dragged into a fight over a toaster oven.
4. Prepare The Getaway
Initially the term Black Friday originated in USA, not because of the mass discount induced riots but because of the heavy traffic caused by the slew of people migrating to the shops for their Christmas shopping. This still holds true today. This is why you need to make sure your car is gassed for the journey. Not only that but as we’ve mentioned a bit earlier, it’s a good idea to find a well lit parking spot that is also close by. Do some research to find when the consumerism stampedes usually start and like a clever matador, have an hour of head start between you and the trample-beasts when possible. Most importantly keep your cool, because all that chaos in the shops is a pretty good primer for road rage.
5. Just Shop Online
You know what? We almost live in the future now. True, we still don’t have our sunglasses embedded in our faces for convenience, “quantum harmoniser” isn’t a daily part of language, and we are still getting to places by burning dinosaur bones. But! There is online shopping. That’s what we recommend you to do. Often times the cyberweb has better variety and prices, and you get everything brought to you. There’s even a term popping up to describe the tendency – Cyber Monday. Of course this comes with the risk of being scammed by an unsavoury site, but you should be right as rain if you stick to popular trusted online retailers. And it’s still better than getting beat up by an old woman over a designer cake mold set.