Halloween is upon us, folks! Pumpkin spice is running rampant, the world is getting ready for winter, and Australia is pulling out the slightly shorter shorts. So it’s time for the clnrs to get a costume for the festivities. Amazon has a mind-boggling variety, so why not start there? То be honest we managed to rake trough a hundred from the four hundred pages of results for this list, before we needed facial reconstructive surgery. The results (besides my new exorbitantly priced zygomaticus major) are… See for yourself:
1. Worst Cleaner Outfit Ever
First of all this creates an awful image for the cleaning industry. I’ll never look that good in such a gown, and neither will most of our mates. The heels are impractical as hell, and that broom will barely sweep anything smaller than a tennis ball. We don’t get it. And what’s with the hat?
2. Racism: The Costume
“Because, y’know, none of them wear pants. Clashes with the sunglasses and spit-glued beard.” – Probably someone before the photo shoot.
3. Unoriginal Comedian
T-shirt based jokes are the equivalent of what you wrap the stick beaten horse in before disposing the body. Imagine planning the perfect Halloween party, slaving for days to get the theme just right. Then the night of the event some git shows up wearing this, a smug smile, and the intent to get so drunk even the t-shirt will be removed later on, when he starts messing with the cat and peeing in your potted plants.
4. The Douchebag Suit
This is basically the skimpy halloween costume for men. The intent behind it is the same. Woo the opposite (or same) sex with your promiscuous good looks, having the added bonus of being allowed to enter parties and not exit your douchebag comfort zone. However this suit not only has one of the cringiest patterns, but the bloodstains are quite unfortunately placed.
5. Just Don’t
We don’t know what’s the aim of this costume as it’s more gross than sexy and more disgusting than funny. We suspect it caters to a specific audience, but our combined opinion is that said audience should be crammed into a little rocket together with a swarm of snakes, and shot at Saturn without a goodbye ceremony.
Hey remember how we talked about the burial wraps of a certain animal? Yep. This is the animal. A joke so beaten up it’s basically bone meal and humus. Not to mention the manufacturer gave so little of a damn that they didn’t even make the costume a box.
7. We’re Gonna’ Need A Bigger Dolt
I don’t know what’s worse about this. The muscle suit they made a part of the costume for some reason, or the fact that you can’t move your legs from the knees up. Also blue-gray shark with brown leather sandals? That’s a big fashion faux pas.
8. We Don’t Know, But We’re Scared
True horror creeps up at you. It does not rely on jump scares. Imagine this following you around. At first it’s fine. Just a giant pink bowling pin. Then you start noticing the details. Those malevolently arched brows, the unblinking stare, the yellow pustules all over it’s body. I-is that a second pair of eyes in it’s mouth?
9. Whoopee Cushion
Were these things ever funny? Is this costume funnier than that? This threw us into debates on the nature of comedy and the concept of laughter, which were a roller coaster ride of anger and sadness. At least the staff psychologist is happy to finally have someone to talk to.
10. Homeless Glam Rocker
We don’t get the addition of a spiked adult toy, nor the entire concept frankly. Hair metal was big in the 70’s, before suffering a cardiac arrest from all the coke, and dying in a bathroom stall the second half of that decade. So we guess there’s probably a good joke hiding somewhere in the poor execution.
11. Nightmare Fuel
This is a kids costume. It’s supposed to be a grizzly. We give it props for being one of the few truly scary costumes on this list.
12. Fat Bastard
This looks more like a DIY project than something sold in stores. Take a shower curtain, some wide electrical tape, a permanent marker, et voilà! We don’t know why they chose to leave the costume naked, but our money is on “sexy factor”.
13. Iron Man Dress
Only one costume from this category, because the internet is already fully informed about unchaste halloween costumes. Plus this blog would have been 40 pages worth of R Rated material. There’s a whole series of these dresses for all the famous Marvel superheroes, and the only difference is the colour scheme.
14. Chaste Wonder Woman
On the other end of the spectrum we have this. It adheres more closely to the superhero design(despite Wonder Woman not once having worn a cape), but only because they drew part of her on the front. The end result looks like something a kindergartener would wear at the playground.
15. A Male Cow
It’s a male costume by the way. We double checked. Maybe it’s a bold statement about transgendered people and tolerance. Maybe the chinese designers had knowledge of the fact that stupid westerners will buy anything with a modicum of novelty. Maybe it’s aimed at caretakers of bovine orphans?
16. Impudent Edgelord
This is waaaay worse than the t-shirt thing. This is some next level stuff. It’s not simply a misfired joke. It not only screams “I take myself too seriously”, but it does it in that cancerously edgy too-cool-to-care manner that only works if you constantly reassure people that you do not in fact care about anything.
17. Little Photoshop Of Horrors
We love the photoshopped effect the mask gives, but neon pink latex catsuit with scale pattern? What is that even supposed to be? A sexy Barney The Dinosaur version? The layer of armour beneath the plates of a flamboyantly gay crusader? So many questions. The wig is a nice touch too though.
18. Shrek And Hulk’s Illegitimate Child LARP Set
This is a really niche costume and paradoxically fitting many occasions at the same time. The roots of it’s inception most probably stem from a really awkward to read fanfiction set in a low fantasy framework. Comes with no weapons, but a flask of military grade onion scent is included.
Hey, parents! Do you hate your child? Wish he/she could be bullied more? Are you missing a few essential centres in your brain? Then this roadkill costume is what you’re looking for! Now your child too can look like a sad byproduct of civilization’s ever expanding need of faster travel!
20. Turd Burglar
He burgles turds. Can’t you tell?